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You might shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish sufficient to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with just a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for several weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you'll be back for a rematch at some time. You can't just let that Bandit win so quickly, can you? No way.

It is just a machine, after all, with a "brain" comprised of wires and microchips. You, conversely, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to possess any hope at all in surviving the global war against machines that surely will come some day, we would better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter within this kind of sweeping historical context and also you will see that it's not simply a choice but an obligation that you should get back on the horse immediately.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it will be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You might not know that the slot machine passes by different names in overseas nations. For example, in the United Kingdom, it's called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, trusted online gambling site please.) In Australia, the slot is known as a "poker machine," which is even more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of just a little girl's toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you are going to get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or more reels, which spin when a lever on the side of the equipment is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the money inserted to play. The equipment typically pays off based upon patterns of symbols visible when the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. In essence, onto those tips which were promised a number of paragraphs ago:

Become intimately acquainted with each slot machine's payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a number of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, and this is where you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and expense spent. Even when you do not hit the jackpot, you may still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, as well as other perks.

This should be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you can afford and only spend money you can risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you are losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not much of a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it's no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.